2am

Well….it’s almost 2am and here I am at home alone. Chris invited me to go to North Gate with some friends after work (mind you I usually only have time to sleep about 4-5 hours between shifts). I wanted to go, but I wanted to walk or be picked up. I don’t feel comfortable driving on north gate late ….and I really don’t feel comfortable leaving my car there over night if I can’t drive home. Originally Chris was gonna meet me after work and walk with me (since he doesn’t trust me to walk alone anymore)…but this was inconvenient. I admit it’s inconvenient for someone to meet me too, so I decided not to go at all. Besides, it’s just a bunch of men hitting on women and getting drunk off their gourds. I enjoy hanging out with them…but it’s hard to hang out when I work so late and then have to get up so early. I know it’s my choice, but it’s the easiest hours to work. It sucks. So here I am…me and my best friend (the tv) and 3 bitch beers at 2am. I want to sleep but I have problems when I am alone. I tried to just stay at work and sleep there but Randy and Mark kept talking (tonight is Mark’s last night so I understand)…it just makes it hard to rest there. I just feel so depressed tonight. Sometimes I really question why I even bother. I am thinking I may just work all spring break. I feel so hopeless. I know I shouldn’t be mad at Chris, but I still feel angry that he can go out and have fun and I just can’t.  Nothingness is so appealing comparatively. To just be nothing and think of nothing again…it’s a peaceful thought. No more work, no more feeling ditched…a very nice thought. I just feel tonight as if I am ascending down a black hole and I may never come back out. I think TV is the only thing that is always there for me. Not even family is always there for me…but TV is. Another sad thought. I come home to cartoon characters and romantic notions and not usually a family. God… my life sucks..